I know this might be a difficult subject for many women, but if you could bear with me, I’d like to suggest a different take on it than most might think.
The other day, hubby and I were watching a new Netflix series called Hot Girls Wanted. The first episode was about a pair of female erotic photographers. Interestingly, it was a mother-daughter duo being interviewed. The mother was one of the earlier feminists who believed in capturing a woman’s beauty as well as their sexuality. Her daughter, who grew up in the porn industry, followed in her mother’s footsteps. Their take on erotic photography was really interesting. Think high-end fashion models with beautiful hair and makeup in erotic scenes. Sadly there is less demand for this type of photography since it’s so easy to get your porn fix on the internet for free. These women ensured that the models felt safe, well cared for and confident. The mother was a pioneer in this field, starting as a model and later becoming the first female erotic photographer.
Then there was the episode of a young woman who was a recruiter and mentor. Her job was to ensure that new recruits in the porn industry felt safe, confident and she encouraged them to never agree to anything that they were not comfortable with. I found it interesting, and realistic, when they included a segment on a young woman who started off saying she only wanted to do solo or girl on girl because men grossed her out after having been a stripper. Despite the best efforts of the recruiter and the agent, by the end of the episode, this young woman was strung out on drugs and making porn with men. Yes, there is definitely a dark side to pornography and sometimes it’s hard to tell when the girls are okay with it or not. The legitimate ones have disclaimers and often interview the girls afterwards and they’ve loved every minute of it. As in life, there is good and bad in everything.
Both of these episodes did not glamourize pornography but rather put a different spin on it. The women involved all agreed that it was about empowerment rather than being degraded. It was about taking charge of their lives and their bodies and they were calling the shots.
I realize that some people get addicted to watching porn and, like any addiction this needs to be dealt with. I’m just talking about those who watch from time to time. My advice is to watch it together so you’re not wondering what he or she is doing and letting your mind get away from you.
A lot of more conservative people (especially women) equate their partner’s watching porn to that of having an affair. I total respect that perspective but here’s a question for you. Isn’t it better that they watch porn in your home rather than having an actual affair? Why not watch it together? People get into trouble with their insecurities when they do not really know what their partner is doing or more importantly, why. Do you feel like he or she needs more than you are willing or able to give? Are you afraid that he or she doesn’t find you sexy any more and needs porn to get off?
Here’s my advice… ask. Talk to your partner. Try to be as open minded as possible. If you still have a major problem with porn, do what you need to in order to work through this. Get counseling if need be but please don’t let porn damage your relationship.
Here’s a suggestion for you. Have a frank conversation with your partner. Ask if they watch porn. Ask them to be honest. Suggest that you watch it together so you get a sense of what they’re into. You never know, you might just get turned on by it, find some interesting things to try and end up having great sex afterwards.
I would recommend that women start off with softer porn if you’ve never watched it. If, after watching, you’re still not into it, that’s okay too. It’s not for everyone. Just be open and honest with your partner about it.
But like anything else in life, don’t be afraid to say yes to something new and different. You never know where it could take you.
If you choose to engage in sex acts that are different than your usual, be sure you are open and honest with your partner about it and make sure there is enough trust that you know that if you say stop, that they will.
It all comes down to this. Communication. You gotta take a chance, open up and be honest with your partner.
Until next week darlings, I wish you all the best.
Sandy O’Shea, CNP