Sex and Communication

Yesterday I attended a workshop called “Create your Exceptional Life” which is the brainchild of Barb Takeda of Soul-Full Expressions. It’s an amazing experience and I encourage you to look her up on Facebook under “Create your Exceptional Life” if you’re in the GTA and come out to at least one of her workshops which run approximately every 2 months. The speakers are amazing and the showcase tables are all relevant to improving your life.

What struck me was a conversation I had with one of the attendees. She had indicated a while back that she needed to come see me. I reminded her that she needs to start taking care of herself first so she can take care of others without sacrificing her health.

What came out of that conversation was that she didn’t remember the last time she had sex. I asked why she hadn’t had sex and she said it was two-fold.   Sex causes pain (she’s post-menopausal and like many women her age suffers from vaginal dryness from low estrogen levels … I can help with that) and she’s really not that attracted to her husband anymore. He had “let himself go” and it wasn’t inspiring her to want to have sex with him.

She also said she was tired of being the one who drives sex … she wants more than just a quick f%#*. Here’s the dilemma that so many couples face. She wants love and affection before intercourse. He wants intercourse before he gives a lot of love and affection. This is not the first time I’ve heard this. It seems to be a more common issue these days.

I’ve been listening to Aubrey Marcus’ book “Own the Day”. I’m a little obsessed with this man and his teachings. It’s so in line with what I believe. He addressed the issue of sex, how we’re not having near enough of it and the sex we’re having is often not terribly satisfying … and that’s because we’ve never been TAUGHT how to have great sex. And it hit me … THAT’S SO TRUE!!!! It’s kind of a hit or miss thing and different people like different things so it’s easy to miss the mark.

Traditionally, men have been the ones who are supposed to know what to do. Well, guess what???? They’re not doing a great job of it. So many men are only interested in receiving oral sex and intercourse for as long as it takes for them to orgasm … no wonder so many women are dissatisfied and can’t be bothered with sex. But if you happen to have one of those amazing men who are more interested in their partner’s satisfaction than their own … hang on to them. They appear to be almost as difficult to find as a Yeti.

But it takes two to tango. Women need to learn not only how to really please their man but more importantly to understand their OWN bodies so they can communicate that to their partner and improve the sexual experience for BOTH parties. So ….. I have a radical idea for you. TALK to your partner!! Whether it’s the first time or the 200th time, we need to communicate. People change, our bodies change, our exposure to different things changes what we might like. So … take the time and (I know this is vulnerable and scary but gut it up and do it anyway) TALK to your partner. If sex isn’t great, you both need to work on it to fix that and truly enjoy your sexual experiences.

I’m a big fan of sexting. If you’re REALLY uncomfortable talking to your partner about sex, it’s a safe way to communicate what you want to do. Plus it spices up your sex life and makes life more interesting.

Why am I writing this? Because it breaks my heart to hear when people aren’t having great sex … or worse yet … any sex at all. It affects so many aspects of your life … from your physical health (it boosts your immune system, improves cardiovascular system) to your mental health (it fights depression and relieves stress) to your confidence level. Why wouldn’t you want to be the best possible “you” that you can be?

Look … I know it’s scary as hell to admit to your partner that you’re not happy with what they’re doing. It’s vulnerable … it’s raw … it opens you up to uncomfortable conversations. Just think … maybe your partner wants to have a dialogue with you about sex and your relationship but they’re afraid it’ll upset you … afraid of what the fallout might be.

Think about what you really want out of your relationship … don’t settle for mediocrity … you BOTH deserve to be happy. Have that uncomfortable conversation. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

And if you need help … email me at sandy@steppingstoneswellnessinc.com.

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