I know a lot of women have had some very bad experiences with sex in the past, mostly in their formative years, but many as adults. And this breaks my heart.
In “olden days” sex was viewed as procreation and was for the man’s benefit. Women were simply vessels to please men and provide them with babies. That hasn’t been the case in a very long time but there are still some men who seem to think that women are there to please them and it doesn’t matter how it affects the woman.
There are so many horrible things that women have had to endure in the name of sex. Power rape (or stranger rape) is, in my opinion, one of the worst forms of abuse possible, second only to abuse suffered at the hands of a loved one. The number of women who have been sexually assaulted by a family member is frightening. Then there’s the incidence of men’s porn addictions and the insecurities and unrealistic expectations that come with that. But that’s not what this post is about. I will address sex and power at a later date. This topic was simply a catalyst for the intended subject of making sex fun.
It makes my heart happy when I talk to women who are open and free and who love sex. They’re confident in their own bodies and in their own minds. They’ve learned through various means that sex is enjoyable and they can have fun and play with it.
It doesn’t matter whether you “play it safe” with traditional positions or whether you’re into the kinkier side of sex. The most important aspect to a sexual encounter is to ENJOY yourself! One of the most important things is for a woman to feel safe. When she feels safe and confident, she’s more likely to just relax and enjoy herself. Whether she has an orgasm or not isn’t the issue, it’s whether she feels good and has fun and enjoys herself. I’ll be tackling the topic of orgasms next week.
There’s so much pressure associated with sex. Do I look ok? Does he find me sexy? OMG you want to put that WHERE???? Yes, I’m having a little fun with this post … because that’s what it’s all about. Women are WAY too hard on themselves. Decent men don’t care if your boobs sag, you have stretch marks or you are a little more luscious than you’d care to be.
If you’re unsure about what your partner thinks or wants, ASK HIM! If he’s not hitting the mark or he’s doing something that does nothing for you, TELL HIM. Or better yet, ask him if he loves it. He might think that you’re enjoying something and you’re going along because you think he’s enjoying it and meanwhile sex is ok but not great and not a lot of fun. What a waste of time that is. I don’t know about you, but there seems to be so little time for sexual fun that why would you ever want to waste it doing something you don’t really enjoy. Of course if he loves it and you’re just “meh” about it, do it anyway. There may be things he does for you that he’s not super crazy about too. Check my post Talk Dirty to Me here where I talk about the importance of communication.
So here’s a question for you. How willing are you to get adventurous? How safe do you feel with your partner? Is your sex life “vanilla” or is it “rocky road”? I spoke with a woman months ago who said her sex life was vanilla but she didn’t want it to be. I asked her what’s stopping her and she replied fear. And yet she had a very dirty mind. She wanted to change, to venture out but something held her back. I met her husband at the same time and he seemed so nice. Not to mention a little excited about the conversation 😉 So it started a conversation that continued in the car on the way home. I hope for both of their sakes that she’s gotten over her fear and they are enjoying a more fun, adventurous sex life.
Why did I pick this topic for today? It was a conversation in the Kinky Steppers group that gave me the idea. A couple of my steppers had both had issues with ex-husbands who were addicted to porn. They discovered afterwards just how fun sex can be. That’s the way it should be. You should never feel like sex is a chore and not enjoy it. And fear has absolutely NO place in your sex life.
Fun is different for everyone. Sometimes it’s goofy and you just laugh. Sometimes it’s adventurous and you get into spanking and kinkier acts, which I’ll address at a future date. But there are no hard and fast rules about how sex should be other than enjoyable for you and your partner. Everyone has their own definition of enjoyable, fun sex.
Just don’t let fear stop you from trying something new. If you’d like to joy the conversation at Kinky Steppers, you can request to join here. Sexy Steppers is for women who have questions and want to join the conversation about sex but maybe aren’t into the “kinky” stuff. You can request to join the Sexy Steppers here. And if you’re not sure which once to join, either ask me or join both!
Until next time, have a very sexy week and don’t forget to have fun!!!
Sandy O’Shea, CNP